Sexual Tips
Carnal Slips,
and Rejected Letters
from America's Beloved Etiquette Bitch
Dear Miss Manners:
When I anchor Headline News, is it proper for me to brush my
teeth after having had sex before air time, or may I just go on
TV the way that I am? Might a quick rinse with warm water be an
acceptable middle ground?
Also, if I have to go on the air immediately after getting laid,
should I comb out my pillow-head hair, or instead just hope that
viewers think it's my new 'do of the day?
Signed,
Gail Russell
Dear Miss Manners:
I heard somewear that if you have oral sex with a woman, if you
trace the letters of the alphabet with your tongue, it is usually
experienced pleasurably by your partner. Unfortunately, I am
dyslecksic and have spelling problems. What do you recomend?
Signed,
Dan Quayle
Dear Miss Manners:
Is it polite to accept gifts from men, even if it is poetry...or
semen? Also, if the President comes on my dress, should I take
the garment to a good dry cleaners...or the Smithsonian
Institute?
Signed,
Monica Lewinsky
Dear Miss Manners:
How long should I wait after breaking up with my girlfriend
before fornicating with her daughter?
Signed,
Woody Allen
Dear Miss Manners:
Is it polite to make your partner sleep in the damp spot?
Signed,
Lorena Bobbitt
Dear Miss Manners:
Regarding the personnel of the naval vessels I always seem to be
reporting live from, is it all right for me to give blow jobs to
the enlisted sailors, or should I limit my oral copulation to
officers only?
Signed,
Christiane "Take It Like a Cabin Boy" Amanpour
Dear Miss Manners:
I am a practicing homosexual.
Unfortunately, I have a voice that is
more suited to drag races than drag queens.
Should I take a vow of silence...or instead
wear dresses and practice tribadism?
Signed,
Harvey Fierstein
PS: Can you help me get in touch with Reggie White?
Dear Miss Manners:
Do you personally spit? Swallow? Or just curl up with a good
book in the first place?
Signed,
Marilyn vos Savant
Dear Miss Manners:
If one is caught masturbating in a Men's Room, should one immediately
stop and make an excuse such as 'this damn jock itch" or invite the
intruder to stay and watch?
Signed,
George Michael
Dear Miss Manners:
How soon after a co-worker's divorce can you ask her for
permission to stick your tongue up her ass?
Signed,
Regis Philbin
